Better late than never: Goodbye Spoke. Had my fun, now it's time to pull the trigger on this place. Thanks to all those who made this place significant to me while it lasted.

And as your will is bent and broken
And every vision has been cast into the wind
As your courage crashes down before your eyes
Don’t lay down and die

Cause I see in you
More than you’ll ever know
And I ask you why
You question the strength inside
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive

When every wound has been reopened
And in this world of give and take you must have faith
And the distance to your dreams stretch beyond reach
Don’t lay down and die

Cause I see in you
More than you’ll ever know
And I ask you why
You question the strength inside
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive

How it feels
How it feels to be alive
How it feels
How it feels to be alive
How it feels
How it feels to be alive

Cause I see in you
More than you’ll ever know
And I ask you why
You question the strength inside
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive
How it feels to be alive

Just finished listening to Audioslave's Out of Exile album. Haven't heard all their songs in awhile, and man, it's just awsome, my head's still ringing - in a good way. That dry toned voice and the amazinG guitar work. I only regret not to listening to that album earlier. Great, I sound like I'm doing a promo for them now. "That's right, give them a listen te, they'll woW the socks off ya ^_~"

Anyway, today was another long day. Had yet an another extra drawing class, and one where I had to stand to draw just cuz from my angle, the pose sucked. Had a full period to do the whole thing, but man, it's like I get done as much as what I do for half hour poses - only to the torso. They say fuLL period, well that just totally gets me paranoid about every little angle and measurement >.< I did it all on newsprint paper kinda sadly, (it's crappy paper, but is still used 99.5% of the time in class). We experimented on black paper with white chalk the other day. Soo cool to look at things that way, and I found it much easier to do than black on white paper.

Tbm was pretty pointless. Totally zoned out 85-90?% of the time. Most likely not gonna use iMovie, Photoshop and whatever anyways. Spacing out = msn and sketching whatever for today, I usually don't space out like this, but it was fun. I forgot how much one can lose oneself when drawing absolutely intuitively.

In other news, I've been considering moving my blog somewhere else. When I first got a blog, this blog, spoke really wasn't much of a place that stuck out for me for the long run. Not sure if I will make the move to leave, since I am such a decisive person~~. But it's just that I'd like to break out and customize stuff my way, and the long load for thespoke feels like another incentive for me to do so. Can I also say that it seems this place was meant for computer coding students to meet each other and talk about stuff like coding, and that I never intended to talk about that stuff? Let's just say that peer pressure got me.

But I can't say that this place hasn't been nothing for me. I can be a person of very little words. This can be seen what feels like right away if I were to meet people. But for some reason or another something in me makes me complain, rant, b!tch,  or poke at, and this place has been a bit of an outlet. Plus, an accumulation of subscribers whom I do not know personally, also interests, and or even amazes me. Really, seems like all I do is the list, and I suppose unless you do know of me, and are curious or something, why hear me out? Sometimes I just don't think I'm interesting. Anyway, beating around the bush, it touches me that people actually read what I ramble on! I always have feelings to return favours, but I'm just too busy to do so.

Whatever I choose to do, if I move, I will say so. Loose ends for me are never nice to end with, and I think it'd be wrong if I cut this end that way.

Last entry's title seems a little 'out there', but I was listening to that song while writing this thing out, so it made sense then. Thanks very much for those who replied back, it really did help me feel a little better and it was a little assurance that I wasn't talking to a wall.

Today, my nerves just feel a little frayed, and I guess I just feel a little annoyed.

-- I now hate Wednesdays more than the tbm Fridays: at least I don't feel like I'm nearly all ignored in tbm

-- I hate the transit rides on Wednesdays

-- I'm getting tired of my CC instructor's kiddish way of talking to the class

-- Oh, she's rather boring too

-- Do I look like an Elaine?

-- My slightly frayed cuffs on my jacket is wearing on me

-- Need to finish all my work on time and as scheduled

I'm in some dark phase again I think. I'm so much harder on myself these days when things don't go my way or if I do something not completely in what I view is right. Missed and screwed up opportunities keep haunting my head and a subconscious way of dealing with this seems to be myself finding a way to 'burn myself'. Okay, I'm not some suicidal person, and I don't mean literally. More of like how to punish myself just a little, for letting things get this way.

I'm sick of this haphazard life and I'd give anything to find my balance. I hate how I feel like I'm leaping to and fro to meet and interact with people. I hate how out of place I feel, and I hate how much I think about everything.

I totally understand this whole alienation theory that came along with industrialization. Huge amounts of ppl from the suburbs have to commute everyday for an hour or two. Surrounded by people like them, but little chance of getting to know them. Surrounded by utter strangers who wish well, and whom are probably good people like yourself, but you will never know for sure.

Friends at school feel so detatched, more of like 'close acquaintances'. There's nothing solid beneath the smiles and laughter. You're only together to give your voice some exerciseand avoid muteness, but other than that, what is there really?

As for the people you've known for awhile. I'm sick of haphazardly meeting up with them. They're here this week, they're not here next week, even though the schedule indicates that it should be something consistent. Everytime you meet up with them, you feel as close as being whole as you can these days, and their smiles say the more the merrier. Maybe I should say something to make these meetings happen more often, but is it worth it mentioning when it seems in the end that it was mostly just on the surface? I just feel like I can't depend on these kinds of people, but I still want to be with them. It feels like I'm just hurting myself by getting my hopes up.

This is the second time I've tried writing this, but I guess this time I have more reason than not to to stumble on words.

I haven't been online in 3 days, but its interesting what information can go by you in 3 simple days where you just so happen not to be on. Yesterday, I found out Conroy Reid died. Logged onto msn to see a bunch of RIPs. For my subscribers and anyone else who doesn't know him, he was from my high school, and was one of the most nicest people you could meet. Quiet and unassuming, he wasn't known so much for crazy grades, but for, like I said, being nice.

I wasn't that close to him, which was probably a mistake since he wasn't quite a person that I felt intimidated to speak to. I remember all three classes that I had with him. We survived the 2 english killers and the 1 nothingness comm. tech class. Grade 10 english was just horrible with Victor, garde 10 comm. tech was ...nothing (hardly learned anything), and in grade 12 english we survived the hurdles of work that just kept coming our way from the armstrength of Armstrong.

For me, when I first knew about it, I just couldn't believe that he was gone. No, not the 'you see it on tv's, or 'you hear about it's; but just that we all leave high school with the stories of how people from high school leave and never see each other again, but usually the "never again" does not mean an early death a few months after leaving the 4 year home.

Last time I saw him was on my way home with the other OCADers from a dull orientation day. I believe all I said was a "hi" and my usual shy smile.

Conroy, it doesn't really matter what I could've, or should've done since you're now gone. I hope you are happy where you are. The least I can take comfort in your departure, is that you don't have to face any more of the pain and tears of this life. You will be missed, not only by the ones that have known you, but also by those who have not known your kindness. Rest in peace my friend. May angels lead you in.

It's been one night since I've checked my email, I come back tonight, there are 12 new msgs, more or less from my school detailing about events, this or that. OMG, I wish there was something that could filter out the more useful things and the very un-useful things for me. Ha, I bet this sounds a bit silly, but being the little pack rat that I am, I have 15 emails alone from OCAD sitting in my inbox along with all the other miscellaneous ones I keep around, and those from my school are only to increase. >.<''!!

Okay, enough about that. Here comes the long dreary days of autumn. I now realize why I'm not as zealous about autumn as autumn lovers: the cloudy days and the gusty winds. Ah yes, I remember the old high school days where I would trudge through that alleyway after getting off the bus stop, feeling 'animostic' towards the sky, go home and start detangling my hair. Aii, some things don't change sadly.

Tbm proposal: have an idea, just have to find a way to 'stack it' and make it move xP

Internet: sux cox

Design/Art faculties: sigh.....I'm so split over it that I'm immobile T.T

Colour and Composition: THANK GOD I dont have to stay for the full 3 hrs if I don't have to for demos. Commute is a b!tch as it is, but when my instructor talks for more than a full hr, I think I could cry for the boredom if I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, she's NicE, but my god, she is borinG

Now that I'm more awake, yes the time right now is indeed 1:53 PM, I will hold out on working for just a little more. No...I didn't quite wake up recently, more of like 10:15 AM but if you stay home in all day, you tend to feel rather sluggish. After a helluva while of looking up drawings on the internet to replicate, I gave up and went to the library. I never knew how hard it would be to find a d-r-a-w-i-n-g of a famous artist, with what I needed of them T.T But after seemingly a long time of simply flipping through books for stupid pictures, I decided on a Group of Seven one.

My weekend was literally of funky smells. No, I did not inhale fumes from my fixative spray again, well, I did, but that did not result in a splitting headache this time. The funky smellS, came from old books from OCAD's library and my sharpie marker. They really should find some way of not making old books grow rancid from age. Forget the turpentine, acids and whateveR else, I really felt quite intoxicated just from the books. Sadly, I do not think I'm done with them.

Another proposal for time based media due for Friday. Once again I have no freaKin idea. Clue: performance art. *Sigh* I never thought this would be as hated by me as I do. The class is characterized with words and phrases of "weird", "what the hell am I gonna do?", "wtf?!", and feelings of a sarcastic "this is gonna be fun". I thought this class would be a lot like HS's multimedia class. Clearly, I was wrong. Well, at least I can count it as 'getting it over with' so I don't have to deal with it in 2nd semester. But still, it is such a nice way to end off a long week you knoW? >.<''!!

Anyway, I better stop slackin and tackle that replica and the 2nd part of a portrait of your's truly. Ha, I surprised myself at the semblance of the portrait I did of my partner. Smudging usually is a big part of my portraits for the skin, but simple hatching does the job too ^_~